Here I am now at 30 weeks—10 weeks to go (April 23 is the due date). I have books to read, a nursery to furnish, supplies to buy, a birth plan to put together, dogs to train and prepare, my labour and birth “tool box” to establish, a yoga pose guide to put together…omg it all feels just a tad daunting.
AND! Of course I keep having these moments of HOLY CRAP I’M HAVING A BABY. Moms reading this will understand. It’s like it doesn’t really sink in, even though I think about the life growing inside of me nearly every waking moment these days. I imagine him from head to toe: his smooth white hair, tiny feathery eyelashes, wide inquisitive eyes, that squishy newborn mouth, his little fingers curling out and then into a fist, that little elfin bum, those scrumptious little baby feet that I will nibble on and inspect with the curiosity and intensity of every first-time mother. But it won’t be REAL until I am clutching him to my chest, all wet and warm. I honestly can’t believe sometimes that this is happening to me. For most of my life I didn’t expect I would do this.
Lots of people over the years told me I would change my mind. Those people usually explained that at a certain age women just naturally develop an insatiable “urge” to procreate. I didn’t have that. What changed me was more of an uneasiness with my life, a feeling that something was missing. From reading the stories of mothers, I came to realize that a child can be a woman’s most influential teacher. And I want that for myself. I want a teacher. Heck, I NEED a teacher. My life is becoming less and less adventurous as I grow older, and my spirit is calling out for something truly remarkable in my life. (Climbing a mountain or travelling the world aren’t things I crave to do. I’m quiet. And I like being at home.)
Then I read this article on how *not* having children was defeatist. The article’s general argument was that couples who decide to be childless because of the frightening political state of the world, because of the exceptional expense, because of the drain on our valuable natural resources in a time when they are becoming so depleted…these couples are admitting defeat. They are defeated by the cynicism, the pessimistic future, the unfavourable conditions likely to plague planet earth in the coming decades. And that’s when it really hit me. Those reasons shouldn’t be WHY a person decides to have children or not, and those reasons had definitely shaped my decision (and my husband’s) to not have children. Pair that with my rapidly approaching mid-life digits (the “ticking clock” if you will) and many discussions, and the choice was made to expand our family, to create a human being to join us on our life journey.
For all the shite in this world, there is much more awesomeness, and much more wonder and beauty to behold, to hold dear, to nurture and cultivate, to create, and to be a part of. That’s what I am most excited about: creating and nourishing an awesome life for our child. I want him to say one day, “My mama and papa made my life awesome and they made the world a better place for creating me.” I want him to know that he was created from love—to love wholeheartedly and to be loved wholeheartedly.
Remember my comments on the lack of consensus around the gestational diabetes test? My midwife called on Tuesday afternoon to let me know that the guideline numbers for gestational diabetes had JUST changed (yet again) and I don’t need to have nutritional counselling (unless I want to). My 1-hour test was 10.3, which now falls under the new number of 10.6. Still close enough that I should be a tad careful, but nothing to be all insane about, so BRING ON THE VANILLA LATTES and CHOCOLATE BROWNIES and BEN AND JERRY’S ICE CREAM. Yes, all is good.
The past week has been busy…I honestly don’t know where my time goes. I’ve been walking almost every day at the estuary, even though I’m actually feeling quite fatigued and a little breathless at times. The exercise is good for me, and I cherish my walks with the pups. It’s a moving meditation. My hunger has picked up noticeably, and the baby’s activity has increased dramatically. I literally felt him change positions over the course of a few hours earlier in the week, from the left side to the right. It was incredible.
We’re taking a childbirth class this weekend. Day one was this morning. I’ve read enough books and watched enough movies to not be learning all that much actually, but I think it’s quite helpful for Tyler. Myself, I was anticipating more hands-on learning.
Yesterday was kind of a crummy day. I did not feel all that well when I woke up, and after trying to accomplish a few things on the computer, I went to bed and stayed there all day. I felt depressed, my arms were throbbing and aching, and I just had a general feeling of malaise, and I cried on and off. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate on a book, so I cuddled with the dogs and my belly. Even though it was a painful day, Baby Nixon and I communicated through touch for hours on end. He would poke me with an elbow or foot, I would poke back in that spot, and then he would respond with a gentle nudge. Back and forth we would play. Sometimes I would tap once, and he would answer with one kick back. I would tap twice, and he would react with two kicks. This book I’m reading, Nurturing the Unborn Child, said to try this in the third trimester and I was amazed that it actually works! Not all the time, but enough to show that my baby can feel what is going on outside the womb and that we can communicate with one another. This is mind-blowing stuff. So my awful day was also a wonderful day of connecting with Baby Nixon. Maybe I needed to feel rotten in order to stay in bed all day and rest. I keep pushing myself every day and I have to slow down, but it’s hard when there is so much to be done.
Like having that sweet, succulent, heavenly latte. With whip on top. Oh mama.